Every Day

Dear Citibank:

Thanks so much for the opportunity to apply for a Citi® Platinum Select® / AAdvantage® World MasterCard®. (I'm sorry that I don't have the appropriate character set so that I can put the little superscript eagle in between those two A's.) Let's see what you're offering here . . . a grace period of 20 days? Oooooh. Ummm, that sucks. An APR of 17.74%. Ooooooh. Ummm, that sucks too. Oh, and it's variable. Wow, that's even better. In Opposite Land, maybe. Anyway, I don't usually carry a balance, so I guess it would suck to be you, huh? Hmmm, what else? An annual fee of $85?! Jebus, do people still pay annual fees?

Here's my favorite thing though . . .

Rates, fees, and terms may change. We may change the rates, fees, and terms of your account at any time for any reason.

Wow. Just freakin' WOW. CEO have a headache today? RAISE THE RATES! VP of IT have hemmorhoids? CHARGE A FEE!!

I love the part where you tell me how my AAdvantage® miles could add up with "everyday purchases," and then your examples include a $2000 flat screen TV and $3000 worth of home improvement. Y'all really have a different concept of "everyday" than I do. Just how many TVs do you people have, anyway? I guess that explains the home improvement, though. Eventually you'd have to add on a room or twelve to house them all!

So anyway, thanks again for the offer, but I think I'll pass.

Your pal,
-- Larry Mac --